His wife told him to sell his “stupid vintage Harley”. His reply – Priceless!

Joe finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.

You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.`

Joe got a horrified look on his face. She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Joe replied, “I wasn’t.”

71-year-old asks for XL condoms, the reason why makes the cashier faint

I think it’s important to stand up for who you are, and not to care too much about what other people think about you.

Combine that with being open and honest, and you’ve got a recipe for funny situations.

This story about a little old lady is a hilarious example of just that. The last line made me laugh out loud!

I found this dirty story earlier today, and I just had to share it with you. Shared joy is double joy!

A 71 year old Boston lady walks into a drugstore. There are a lot of people in the store, and she goes to stand in line. After a while, it’s her turn at the counter.

She asks, “Hi, do you sell extra large condoms?”

Cashier does a double-take

The cashier is brand new at his job, and isn’t used to hearing questions like this. Her honesty shocks him, but he recovers quickly.

He says with a cough, “Yes, right down there in aisle 11.”

About 30 minutes go by, and the pharmacist notices that the woman is still standing in aisle 11, looking at the condoms.

He decides to go see if she needs any help.

He asks, “Hello, ma’am. Did you find the extra large condoms?”

She replies, “Yep, now I’m just waiting for someone to buy some.”

The cashier fainted – don’t you just love old people with moxie?

WIFE ASKS HUSBAND IF HE WOULD MARRY AGAIN SHOULD SHE DIE (HIS FINAL ANSWER MAKES HER DIVORCE HIM)

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question …

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely Not!!!!

WIFE: Why not? Don’t you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do …

WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, okay. I would get married again!

WIFE: You would (looking hurt)

HUSBAND: (makes a loud and frustrating sound)

WIFE: Would she live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it is a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably. It is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like a proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would you give her my jewelry?

HUSBAND: No, I am sure she would want her own.

WIFE: Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: Yes, those are always good times.

WIFE: Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: No , she is left handed.

Wife Is Reported Missing By Husband, Vague On Details Except For One…

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !

Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don’t know. Kinda cute, Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband : A 2016 pearl white Dodge Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine.
It was ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera.

Had Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats.
Trailer tow package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation & satellite radio.
Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.

I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.

It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we’ll find your truck!!!

Fred Died and Left His Will Where He Provided 30 000$ for an Elaborate Funeral, How His Wife Spend the Money is Hilarious – Joke of the Day

Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, “Well, I’m sure Fred would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“Really?” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody says, “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

Police officers gives two ‘ladies of the night’ a warning, but they have a great comeback

That’s thinking ahead!

A couple of young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes – $50.00.”

A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they would have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time, a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.”

“How come you don’t stop them?” asked one of the girls.

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied, “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.

The following day, the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: “Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00.”

Smart!

A n@ked woman asks a farmer for help – his answer makes me laugh out loud!

Oh, puppy love! Young couples may be passionate, but they haven’t got much in the way of inhibitions and self-control.

That certainly applies to the couple in this story at least!

A young couple was out driving in the evening, when the woman realized that she was feeling turned on.

She started fumbling with her boyfriend’s pants, and after working the belt for some time, she finally managed to get his pants down.

In his excitement, the young man was unable to keep his focus on the road, and suddenly the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The girl made it through the ordeal without any injuries, but the man got stuck beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe over her crotch, the girl ran over to a field where she saw a farmer working.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the farmer, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The farmer looked at the shoe and said, “Whoa lady, there’s nothing I can do… he’s gone in too far.”

Woman asks an old man to guess her age. She was shocked by his response.

This joke was sent in by reader Carl K. from Bangor, Maine.

Read it below.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32”, the clerk replies.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, “I’d quess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go.

Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.”

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, “What the hell, go ahead.”

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

He removes his hands and says, “You are 47.”

Stunned, the woman says, “That is amazing! How did you know?”

The old man replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

Wife Gets Tattoos on the Inside of Both Legs – Joke Of The Day

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

“What is that?” he asked.

She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’”

Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”

5 Year-Old Girl Starts Talking To A Construction Crew. Then This Happens.

The following story really illustrates why we should never discount a person because of their age.

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopter her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope contained ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*cking sheet rock…”

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?